Return of the Baby Shower Blues

When I first wanted to make sure my cousin J had a baby shower, I had no idea it would all turn out like this.

There's a lot of backstory I'm leaving out, so in a nutshell: J was secretly married to her husband for a year before her family found out. They got very upset about this, and it was all compounded when his secret felony convictions and secret previous wife and child came out of the closet. To be fair, J's immediate family (some of them, anyway) acted like overcontrolling jerks about the whole thing. J and her husband acted no better. Now, J has not spoken to her entire immediate family in about 2 years.

She's pregnant, and she told me she has no friends where she lives (I suspect her husband has something to do with this) and no one is throwing her a baby shower so I thought it would be good to throw her a baby shower. Oh, what folly. I was stuck in the middle of my family and J. J positively would not go to any party where her immediate family was invited. I couldn't NOT invite them to a family party, that wouldn't be right. Luckily, before this became too much of a probelm J's husband R solved it for me.

So after J's "friend" P (whom I found out later is R's friend's wife whom R paid to take over the party from me) demanded to take over the party and for me to provide a list within 24 hours, I did so, happy to be done with the project.

J called, thinking I would be upset (which is strange, considering I did not act upset at all and was happy to be done with it) and I explained the situation to her in as straight terms as I could: I couldn't exclude family members from a party I threw, that is why it's good P is doing it now. I also let J know that the list included every female member of her family out to the cousin level.

Fast foward two weeks, to today. This afternoon, in fact.

J calls me up, sounding upset. "I wanted to let you know that I was dissapointed that you put my sisters and mother on the party list. You KNEW I didn't want them there."

I was flabbergasted. "J, we went over this, I explained to you why I can't leave them off, it's not something I can do as a family member!"

"No you didn't! You never said any such thing to me!" She continued to act like we never had the conversation two weeks ago, getting upset. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I told her I KNEW that R was doing the final invite list with P and it was up to them to cut whoever they chose off the list. Then, J admitted that R was very upset, too.

Then I saw. This whole thing is J trying to pick a fight with me. J and R seem to be adamantly trying to break relations with any family memeber, and J was about to do a pretty good job of it with me. This has happened in the past, and I have always refused to take the bait. I stopped fighting, said I was sorry for messing up her baby shower, and hung up the phone pretty fast.

Now I am regretting it. I should have fought with her. For several reasons:

1) This whole baby shower was my idea in the first place. I was just trying to make sure she had one, which I think should elicit thanks and not picking fights.

2) I was called up by a stranger who demanded to take over the baby shower and demanded I provide a list for it within 24 hours, which I did nicely.

3) When I provided the list, do I get any kind of acknowledgement or thanks? No, all I get is a phone call telling me how dissapointed J and R are with my list. Well, screw her and her stupid baby shower. Next time I know better than to offer to do something nice for J. All I get is heartache in return.

3a) WHAT KIND OF PERSON CALLS SOMEONE WHO PROVIDED A FAMILY LIST FOR A PARTY TO TELL HER HOW UPSET SHE IS ABOUT THE CONTENTS OF THE LIST??? The height of rudeness. Cut people off the list yourself, don't expect me to do it for you, especially when I explained to you why I don't feel comfortable doing it.

Anyway, I am overly upset about this because J and I used to be best friends and even lived together for a few years. She has changed so much now, it really really hurts to admit it but I don't think I can be her friend any more. She's only looking for reasons to pick fights these days, it seems, and I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I'm not going to put up with it any more.

Thanks for listening to this rant. I just had to get it out.